<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Can You Tell Me Why I Feel This Way by mythomagicallydelicious</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24189268">Can You Tell Me Why I Feel This Way</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mythomagicallydelicious/pseuds/mythomagicallydelicious'>mythomagicallydelicious</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Who is In Control? [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fjord's backstory, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Pensive, Pre-Relationship, complicated relationships with family and what it means, esp with mothers, especially with the word mother itself, orphan fjord, referring to the second story, the comfort part is on the way</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 00:27:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,882</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24189268</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mythomagicallydelicious/pseuds/mythomagicallydelicious</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Fjord takes the time for some self-reflection, encouraged by Caduceus, and doesn't like where his mind turns.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Caduceus Clay &amp; Fjord, Caduceus Clay &amp; The Wildmother, Caduceus Clay/Fjord, Fjord &amp; Uk'otoa (Critical Role)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Who is In Control? [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1735969</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>47</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Can You Tell Me Why I Feel This Way</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>title is taken from a line of the song TrusT by half alive</p>
<p>-this story is meant to happen sometime in the middle of All That Stuff in canon, no specific episode in mind, except that it's post the first set of sea adventure days that happened in canon.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hello, Mr. Fjord.” Fjord startles as the firbolg comes from behind him, calling out a greeting. He looks to the side and sees Caduceus frown. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”</p>
<p>Fjord adjusts his posture trying to stand taller. “Oh, no, not at all,” he tries to laugh off, flapping a hand. “I was just lost in thought.”</p>
<p>Caduceus tilts his head curiously and hums. “I understand. What’s on your mind?” he asks. Fjord casts about for something to say.</p>
<p>“Oh, er, nothing important, really,” Fjord says, a false smile plastered on his face to try and convince Caduceus. Caduceus narrows his eyes and his left ear flicks as if shaking off a fly.</p>
<p>“Nothing important, huh?” he asks, voice a low rumble in his throat, strong yet soft, a comforting sound. “Well, I always care about what you think, important or not. You don’t have to tell me, but sometimes I find an ear to listen to your thoughts can do a world of good.”</p>
<p>Fjord looked back to the view before them. A valley unfolding in softly rolling hills; bushes, trees and wildflowers cropping up among the grass. Lots of room to run in, if they stopped for a day, but more likely lots of ground to try and cover tomorrow since they’re not teleporting. He leaned back with the slope of the ridge they had settled just above to camp for the evening and felt the grass blades tickle and poke at his neck. It was uncomfortable, but a regular uncomfortable. A workable kind.</p>
<p>“Fjord?” Caduceus said beside him, and Fjord realized he had delved into silence yet again, just thinking. He still didn’t really want to bring up where his mind had been prior, but he could feel Caduceus’ eyes boring into him like a truth-seeking arrow, so he settled for a half-truth and hoped his friend wouldn’t push for more.</p>
<p>“I was thinking about your goddess, actually.”</p>
<p>Caduceus hummed but otherwise stayed silent. Fjord shot him a glance from the corner of his eyes and saw the firbolg looking out at the valley below them, head swaying slightly as he listened. Fjord felt better not feeling watched and continued.</p>
<p>“I mean, I was thinking sort of about her. And sort of about being an orphan. I don’t like to bring it up too much because I feel like I’m complaining or whining, but I have never had an inkling as to who my parents were or where I came from. I was found abandoned, and brought to the place I grew up as a baby, they told me.”</p>
<p>Fjord darted his eyes to Caduceus again, afraid to see pity in his eyes. But Caduceus stayed as he was, swaying slightly in the breeze as if he heard a light melody in the evening air beyond Fjord’s voice.</p>
<p>“And I mean, just the names of the gods, you know? Light-bearer, Law-bringer, Allhammer, Raven Queen. All those names, and then the Wildmother. It almost seems more personal than perhaps the others, but maybe that’s just, well. I don’t know what I’m talking about obviously,” Fjord tries to laugh at himself but it gets stuck in his throat. Caduceus’ head swings a little lower, a little closer to Fjord’s.</p>
<p>“Well, I don’t know much about how other people relate to the gods they follow, beyond the example Jester gives us, but honestly it does feel a little personal, my relationship to the Wildmother.” Caduceus smiles serenely, tilting his head to the side to give Fjord a glance while he speaks. “I don’t mean that I know every detail about her, but I do know enough that she is worth following. Because of the Wildmother, I feel I have a purpose. I have someone to turn to when I am alone, or scared. And I am often scared,” Caduceus says, that same small smile on his face.</p>
<p>Fjord remembers a conversation they had a few months ago. When he’d asked Caduceus if he always smiles when he’s afraid. <em>Oh yes. I find it drives your siblings crazy if you don’t give them the satisfaction of showing how much they scared you.</em></p>
<p>“How do you—how do you talk to her? I’ve seen you meditating, sure, but does she answer back? Does she speak to you, does she…?” Fjord swallows thickly, unable to voice the rest of his question. Caduceus with his incredible way of looking straight through the heart of a man seems to sense where the rest of his question was going and somehow still miss the true reason Fjord was asking.</p>
<p>“She touches my life, Mr. Fjord,” he says. “She is the embodiment of nature, of every living plant and creature around us. She is wild and natural and nurturing and motherly and she is the nature of nature itself. She is the warm spring wind that signals an end to the cold and dark of winter. She is the first breath taken by new life at the start of day and the last breath breathed at the end of the night. She is even in your ocean, Mr. Fjord, and she watches over all in her domain with fierceness and love.”</p>
<p>Fjord’s breathing gets a little shallow as Caduceus explains his view of the Wildmother. He feels claws rake over his cheek and down his chest every time Caduceus calls him <em>Mr. Fjord</em>.  Caduceus doesn’t notice as his eyes are half-closed, leaning further into the sway of an invisible wind, voice caught with reverence.</p>
<p>“Please, Caduceus, call me Fjord. The “mister” is a bit too much of a formality at this point, right?” he asks faintly.</p>
<p>Caduceus hums and nods, still not quite looking at him, lost in his own world and thoughts of his goddess.</p>
<p>“I have followed her as soon as I understood who she is, Fjord. She is life and the natural progression of it. From birth to death, and the recycling of life into new creation. The cycle never ends, we all one day will fall and be buried beneath the earth, and give life to something new, something wonderful because <em>she</em> has ordained it to be so. I can’t wait to see how we’ll grow. I hope when my time comes, I become excellent tea,” Caduceus sighs dreamily.</p>
<p>Fjord felt a certain amount of whiplash at the conversation. He wasn’t expecting the devotion in Caduceus’ voice. The almost blind love in his words, the clear passion he holds for his goddess. He certainly didn’t feel that way about Uk’otoa. It felt more like the entity he followed was a means to an end, and a terrifying one at that. Fjord was more familiar with that arrangement anyhow—two parties using each other for what they wanted. Both holding their true intentions close to the chest. All about control, and who’s got it, and how to get more of it.</p>
<p>That didn’t sound like what Caduceus was describing. The things the firbolg were saying were so foreign Fjord felt lost.</p>
<p>“Sorry, didn’t mean to get us off track. I interrupted you,” Caduceus says, bringing Fjord back to the present and realizing he was tearing the grass up at his sides to shreds. “What else are you thinking about?” Caduceus asks, straightening his legs and leaning back on his arms, focusing on Fjord now.</p>
<p>The attention makes Fjord self-conscious, more aware than ever how much taller Cad is than him. How much strength might be hidden in his lean frame. He swallows and clenches his fists into the grass once more, tearing slowly at the roots to ground himself.</p>
<p>“No, it was, uh, lovely—hearing your point of view. Just not what I was expecting. I can’t say I ever expected the gods to really care about us, or try to intervene in our lives. I find it hard to believe, honestly, despite me having now seen your magic and your incredible actions that you attribute to her. My experience with gods is a lot crueler, I suppose. And as for the <em>mother</em> aspect… a lot more negative,” Fjord finishes in a stony voice. He closes his eyes and feels his chest get tight at just the small admission he made aloud.</p>
<p>In his mind’s eye he can see Nurse Marlowe smiling at him with intent. Her claws digging into his arms hard enough to leave little crescent marks, her voice high-pitched and airy and very, very controlling. Fjord clenches his jaw and turns his head away from Caduceus, nails digging into the dirt more forcefully. At all other times he avoids these thoughts, compartmentalizes and sticks with what he needs to do that day—the past is the past, it doesn’t matter right now. But at that moment the quiet contemplation of the evening, the view before them, the conversation and the way it had been leading is too much for him. It’s bringing back waves of memories he can’t block out despite his best efforts.</p>
<p>“Mr. Fjord, are you alright?” he hears from just above him. He cracks one eye open and sees Caduceus leaning over him, overshadowing the sight of the valley and blocking the sunset from view. His eyes are wide with concern, head no longer bobbing and swaying in the breeze. Fjord feels a rush of panic crush over him as he realizes how close the other is. How familiar this type of position was in his memories, how weak he was to allow that to happen, back then. But he can’t stop the tremor running through his body and he grinds his teeth, biting his tongue. He imagines he can hear <em>momma’s</em> laughter coming from just beyond view and he feels nausea roll through him.</p>
<p>Fjord abruptly sits up, pushing Caduceus back, knocking the other to the ground heavily. He stands on shaky legs that he hides by locking his knees. “What the hell, Caduceus? Give a man some personal space, alright? I don’t need you getting up in my business every time a bit of indigestion hits. I’m going back to camp.” Fjord turns and stomps back the way the others had set up the fire.</p>
<p>He tries not to think about the confused and hurt expression in Caduceus’ eyes as he yelled at him, seemingly from nowhere. But Fjord needed out of that conversation. He needed to regain control on his thoughts and wrangle the memories back down into a chest where he can lock it and throw away the key. He doesn’t need to be thinking high and mighty thoughts about the gods when he has enough shit on his plate with the current mission the Mighty Nein had.</p>
<p>And he certainly didn’t need some nature-worshipping cleric telling him about a <em>mother</em> who <em>touches his life</em>. Fjord shudders and takes a moment to himself before entering the small clearing where he can hear Jester and Nott telling a rambunctious story to Beau and Caleb. He just needs a moment to straighten his shoulders and walk back like nothing happened.</p>
<p>Nothing happened. He is fine. He’s in control. Head empty, he walks to the fire and takes the offered spit Yasha holds out to him. He grunts his thanks and starts roasting it, staring into the flames and decidedly <em>not</em> thinking about a single dam thing.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thanks for reading! I'm still kicking on this project, don't worry! And the Fjorclay is slowly but surely coming alongside of it.</p>
<p>-as always, let me know if I missed a tag. And tell me what you're thinking in the comments! Thanks :D</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>